the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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