Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
