I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
