we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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