You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
