My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
