Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
