happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
