You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
