No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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