"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
