my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
