May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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