I CAN MOONWALK!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
