i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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