Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if only i could text you this smell
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
