A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
