hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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