so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
