I cockslap morals
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
