I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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