I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
