Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
