not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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