dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
