Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
