Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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