Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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