Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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