when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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