I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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