I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
