The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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