I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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