just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
