At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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