White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
