Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
