It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
