I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
