how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
