i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
