I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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