I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
