I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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