please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
