Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
