everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
