Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
