I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
