You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
