Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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