Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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